Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
