apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
