im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
