things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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