Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
