I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize