90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
