I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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