My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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