Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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