I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
