I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize