when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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