woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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