Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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