True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you win again, gameday.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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