The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
