My liver just broke up with me...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
