I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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