I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
