Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
At least life still wants to fuck me.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize