I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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