You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
