she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
