he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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