1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I puked a lego.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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