I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
