Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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