nut hugger
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
