Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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