Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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