WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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