If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
