Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
