It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
