Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
