i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
