Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
did i just pee glitter
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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