my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
