the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
