Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
