its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
