Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
