God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
