If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just found puke in my bra..
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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