jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
it's like heaven, but drunker
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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