What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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