I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
