If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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