can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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