mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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