Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
