Just fell off a train. Bad.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
the day after is always just damage control
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My vagina just clenched in fear
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize