I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Randomize
