I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize